shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
