Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
