Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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