apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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