You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
