hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
