i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
