so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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