Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
