i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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