At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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