So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
