I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
