I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
this beer tastes like vomit already
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
