Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
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