well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
