youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
