dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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