he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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