I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
