Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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