I was born with a shot glass in my hand
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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