he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Randomize
