So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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