The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I love you. Go after that dick
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