I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
