can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
