i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
