If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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