I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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