she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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