my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
