Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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