I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
foreskin is a definite game changer
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
