apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
