somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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