he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
