So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Randomize
