i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
