I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Randomize
