Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
My dick has a subreddit
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
