he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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