I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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