Got a toothbrush?
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
