He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
