my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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