About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
