I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
My liver just had a heart attack.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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