make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
