my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
