We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Randomize
