He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I will pee on everything he values.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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