just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
