last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
