Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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