if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
