Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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