god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Me. At least after what I've been through.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
