Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
