never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
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