You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
